Always

Why do I procrastinate so much? This seriously needs to be handled. Starting today. Since I was up until 8am, I am just now getting up and around, but I know that as soon as C gets here, he'll make me be productive. Because I told him to.

On another note, I am so confused. But so happy with it. I have not the slightest clue what the deal with J is, and I'm not going ask him, because apparently you aren't supposed to do that. I only prove my awkwardness every interaction we have, so... I've decided that I am ridiculously bad at this. Which is okay, because I am completely happy with everything in my life. Other than my obvious lack of productivity. But at least I haven't hurled or anything lately. So it hasn't gotten that embarrassing.


C and I had a talk about happiness last night. I think that what upset me the most during our break up was how it made me feel. Sounds obvious, right? But no, really. The way he made me feel so insignificant after so long kind of dampened my hopes and mood and pretty much everything. I've gotten over it, but we actually talked about it last night. I believe that perception is reality at the time you perceive it, but he made it clear that my perception wasn't accurate. It's funny because I've never felt more loved than I did last night, and do now. And it isn't the "let's get back together kind," it's the "i'm so happy with the way things turned out" loved. Everything happens for a reason, and even though the reason is still unclear, it's clear that there is one.

We also talked about forever and always. I don't really know if I believe in those things in relation to love. I think that there's a certain kind of love that can last forever, but I think that the relationships that last and work are those out of convenience and practicality. Marriage is just a convention for practicality. On hearing this, I could see C realize the extent of everything. I could see him genuinely feel bad. But in all honesty, if the best guy I know turned out the be the epitome of what I'm terrified of, then how can you trust anyone? People change; someone always changes. 

And I don't know if always exists.